... But a broken spirit dries the bones. PROVERBS 17:22
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A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules.
So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer
in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston ...a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!
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A calm & respectable lady went into the pharmacy & walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes & said, ' I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world would you need
cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need to poison my husband.' The pharmacists eyes got big & he exclaimed, 'Lord have
mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I would lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not. You CANNOT have any cyanide.'
The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, ' Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
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The price of Gas versus Printer Ink
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
You will be really shocked by the last one!
(At least, I was...)
- Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
- Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 . $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
- Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at (you won't believe it....but it is true........)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!
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The Love Story of Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't Mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both Patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the Hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank To the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act She immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as She now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news And bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were Able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life Of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound Mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his Bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon Can I go home?'
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Giving Up Wine
Sue was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner .
Sue took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' Sue asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' Sue asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I havent had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, Sue said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with Chuck and I tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't Chuck be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
Sue said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping , hair appointments, and wine.'
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The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam:
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah:
Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham:
Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph:
A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses:
A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David:
The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon:
Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah:
Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha:
Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea:
A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah:
Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah:
Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah:
On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah:
Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos:
Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek:
Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date. (This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition has it that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)
John:
Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter:
Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul:
Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John:
Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy:
Too young!
Methuselah:
Too old . . . WAY too old!
Judas:
His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
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